Whenever I’m having a conversation with someone I love and they are about to tell me something I assume I don’t want to hear. Ie: possibly bad news, or rearragning something we have already confirmed plans on. Literal panic starts to set in.
Now the panic usually stems from, (drum rolls) the enormous amounts of self abuse I’m experiencing. I’m not good enough. Or I’ve fucked up again. The plans I made weren’t perfect. I wasn’t perfect. Ill never be perfect. I won’t ever be good enough. Kind of understanding where this is going?
Yesterday while I was wrapped up in the eyes and hands of my lover, I forgot we were in a book store. I forgot there was anything else in this whole world. It was his eyes, his touch, his words moving over me. We shared some heavy information, that we both had to think about over the evening while we were apart.
This morning when he called and presented his conclusion, well, I panicked. But today I also listened. No interrupting or careening off into my own misguided judgement. Finally when we were hanging up, our conversation not complete but on pause. I realized the words I was telling myself. I realized I was making the situation worse for me. Then probably worse for him.
My panic was getting in the way of my growth. So after a nap and a cold glass of water I was still feeling the self doubt. I was searching for a neat little ribbon to tie up my emotions and realized there was none to be had. Life is messy and I’m OK with that.
